ryan’s

journaling and writing and stuff :) system ran so different writint styles spread across the whole thing i guess

20th December 2025

sunny still in our tent - 09/2024

half men and half dirt, steady hands rocking soil, half alive and half working, half here and half at home,

half men, drinking similar flavours, similar skin and similar spurs and sounds alike, and similar rides, half men, half men and half a saddle and half a beer down your throat, i asked for a drink but the bottle was half empty,

half men and half lovers, hands left to feel but fires left to burn, riding up and down, left and right, dawn is the people as the sunrise is you and me, dawn are the sheep and the dogs and the fires and the colts, sunny still in our tent and we pull it up by sunrise,

once i was a man and once i was a lover, for half, and for only half, i was both, both for a man and both for a lover, half for a taste and half for an ending, living half a life,

for i am, once again, half your lover and half your man, not once at a time and never twice in a row,

half yours, half a man, half a rope pulled and tightened, half the freedom of calamus in the fields, one half here and the other half home, beside my hat, gritting between my teeth, half a man and half a lover, gently to sleep, living as two pairs of men and two pairs of lovers, names digging on lavander, half the dogs and half the sheep, count until the bullets make sense, half your man and half your lover, laying always in sunny tents.

16th December 2025

love me - 12/16/25

love me,

hold me, armed at worst. love me

with my

gun in your mouth, let it warm

let it fire. play dirty and

fight raw. tender, quiet

knuckles turning to red

with passion.

16th December 2025

i know how to make an entrance - 09/18/25

‎if you look in the mirror and you see my ghost remember to smile and it'll last forever. cause i'll stay past the veil's bounds to see it. remember to smile when you hear music because you know i listen to all of it. i sat with you through your tv obsession but you never knew. you know i cant rhyme but i know how to make an entrance. and how to make it worthwhile. smile when you take your clothes off so i can see. so i can stay longer than i should. i could ask god if i could just see your smile to make up for lost time. and lost time doesn't mean for the last time. happy ever after is a real thing even in the ever after part. if you look in the mirror and see my ghost remember to make it worthwhile.

16th December 2025

blisters - 09/07/2025

we're starved and we're desperate and there's no coal left in the seat. warmth isn't what i need and it's the cold that brings me presence in a drought. from here on out i'll lay low, i swore to myself i wouldn't call unless you called first, and in that circumstance i would have no choice but to answer and to flirt. it's all i know and it's all you want, anyways. there's no warmth in my words, just the cold and it bites, but we like the frost the way it is. it doesn't burn but it stings. the seasons change and the winter will leave and from here on out i swear that i won't bite. the warmth doesn't move out of my face and i can't hide. i'd rather blisters than sunburns. candles keep you company while wax leaves you mid-soar. i got used to triple layering, but i never got used to the shaky breath. and i'd love to see snow someday. if and ever.

16th December 2025

suicide is not chess but i am practicing in my mind - 04/22/25

its a long ride from point a to point b. in this hypothetical, i don't know where i am going, but i know that i am leaving. its a long ride and i don't know how much i should pack or if i should even pack at all but in this hypothetical i don't need to. it's a long ride and i don't know which notice i should send my boss, if it should be 2 weeks or a few days or maybe i should just go unnoticed. in this hypothetical i am already moving with every breath i take i stray closer to point b with no real direction. its a long ride from point a to point b and the sky doesn't talk but the clouds do and i'm laughing alone. in this hypothetical i am already gone and i have already started running and i have already packed my bag with nothing and i don't know where i am going but i know that i have to go. its a long ride from point a to point b but i know i won't stop moving or else i'd have to go home. it's a long ride from point a to point b and i'm thinking i should call my mom and let her know i’m on a trip but i wouldn't know what to say because i haven't even moved my feet yet. in this hypothetical i am running wildly with precision and dancing loosely as a ballerina and making my way from point a to point b.

16th December 2025

untitled - 10/24/24

and to them, i was a dirty thing, and all they could see in me was grime, and the priest's words brought me down to my knees, voice hoarsing with prayer, tearing the sin out of my throat for it did not belong there, and i did not belong either but he made me believe i could, i could if i just do one thing, one thing and it was to tear my skin off and start anew, to be same as them and to be clean, and i tried, i tried to be clean with every prayer and every confession, with every night i spent in a cold dark room with my voice hoarsing and my knees bruising, i could be clean, but all they saw in my my bruised knees and hoarse voice was still the bitter taste of temptation, no matter how much i tried to wash it out, still the grime, still sin that sits in my throat, warm with an almost uncomfortably familliar taste

16th December 2025

untitled - 10/25/24

do you remember me?

               when you feel the sun, when the warmth hugs your face,

       do you remember what you sang to me?


the song you wrote, you said my voice was     like a hug,                        almost like the sun,       

               almost like love, 


 said the song you wrote, with too many commas and too many words,

 not enough rhythm and

     not enough rhyme, too much love, the song you wrote.

16th December 2025

yesterday's man - 11/15/24

    it's the blood that brings me back. wolves clawing out of a ditch.

        monsters of black and white, coming to what im almost completely sure is life.


                        it was the blood that brought me back. and for an answer. and for a cause.


    it’s the blood that brings me back. howling for a bad night.



16th December 2025
16th December 2025

lazarus rising - 09/22/24

my heart is hammering flat against my ribcage 

     and you're looking at me like i'm something good,

  like I'm not something to apologize for.



you're drowning in some sea of desire,

     and you've never felt anything better than that.


   who taught you to love?

   it'll poison you as fast as i would,

      seep into your blood and choke you from the inside out


 who told you to love me?